"I have found the One whom my soul loves" Song of Solomon 3:4
Ten years ago when my husband and I decided to get married I had no idea what was in store for me. I wanted to be married to him, have kids with him and spend the rest of our lives together, but lay down my life for him? was that part of love? I felt very selfish then. I didn't want to let go of my job, my dreams, my desires. I wanted to have him and my dreams too. I began to wrestle with the concept of love. Do I really love him if i want all these things too? do I love myself more? what is love? how should it look like in my marriage? I had all these questions and I began to feel doubt, not about my husband but about love. Maybe love is not what I thought it was?...maybe, love was something deeper?
I didn't understand why I could't let go of other things for the sake of my own marriage, I was stuck! He loved me everyday despite my attitude, he gave and gave, he never got tired of my indifference, he kissed me even when I didn't kiss back. Oh, how sad I feel when I think about those moments. As I struggled with this new concept of love and how easy it was for my husband but not for me I began to ask the Lord about it. What is love, Lord? what does it truly look like? I want to love! I was desperate to know.
One night I was woken up by the question "why don't you let me love you?" I opened my eyes. Again, the same question popped into my head "why don't you let me love you?" I sat on my bed and answered "what do you mean Lord?" He said "you've allowed me into every area of your life except this one; you won't let me Love you" I cried. It was then when memories of tender moments with my husband washed over me. The Lord said "see, that is how much I love you" I understood then that there is nothing that I could do to push the love of God away. He showed me unconditional love through my husband. I was disarmed. I could let go of every dream and desire for him now, because I knew that his love just wanted better for us, he was fighting for us, he was thinking of us. It was truly laying down his life for us and I could do the same.